Is it the belief of being in control that keeps us on an even keel. The moment we suspect that we are losing control is the moment when fear edges into the fragile balance of our sanity. Uncontrolled fear is a corrosive emotion, something that gnaws away at the fabric of your mind, screws you up to a frightful aching state of anxiety, and leaves you with nothing good. Will I win or lose? Do people like me? Am I a failure? Am I good enough? There is nothing but sickness in this sort of fear; sickness of the mind which produces no answers to your questions and leaves you in an agonizing limbo. At least there is the fight or flight surge of adrenalin induced from our primal fears and the sense of achievement and confidence that comes from confronting the fear. If you choose to stand at the bottom of a big ass mountain and make that first commiting step up, then you have the comfort of choosing your fear. It is something you go to willingly. Embracing the near future and all that it will throw at you with open arms and a clear mind, confident that you will succeed, you will control it. There is no control over anxiety and self-doubts. Once indulged, fears of this kind hold us prisoner. They are the penalty of thinking, the penance of life
Living for the moment, for nothing but the present, brings with it an unexpected bonus. It seems that if you can escape from the need to know the future and free yourself frThere are life enhancing moments in life when this is precisely so. They are fragile transient times when the borders between living and dying seem to overlap, when the past and the future cease to exist and you are free. It is because of this commitment to the present that it so difficult to look back at what you have done and explain why you choose to do it. Perhaps you have to accept that at some point your future self will look back and mock at all that you once were; this is time betraying everything you once believed in. Freedom from the constraints of the past, and in so doing act in and only for the present, then you choose an absolute freedom
In a curious way, maybe an adventurer stops living when he begins to experience his chosen challenge. He steps out of the living world of anxiety into a world where there is no room, no time, for such distractions. All that concerns him is surviving the present. Any thoughts of getting beaten up by a box of viscous ping pong balls, makka pakka and blue zombie ants evaporate under the absolute necessity for concentration on the task at hand. He leads a separate life of black and white decisions-check equipment, rest, be aware. Be aware of everything until is nothing but the present and there are no corrosive fears to eat away at confidence.
An climber edges along the fragile line between the worlds of life and death, peering cautiously into the other side-it is as if he were immortal, neither alive nor actually dead. When he comes back from his adventure and steps unsteadily back into life, he tries, with little success, to comprehend what he has just experienced. He has a tantilising memory of those days but is unable to say exactly what has happened. At one time he knew what he had seen, knew it to be real, but know he is not sure, nothing seems real and he trembles on the verge of going back for a second look to be sure that he did see it. The uncertainty tickles at his mind until he is forced to go back. When the corrosive fears and anxieties of the present crowd him once again, he remembers that elusive state when time stood still, when his perspectives shifted into another dimension of living, and he hungers to go back there.